“If a stranger is emailing you asking to pick your brain for free, you don’t owe them an explanation for saying no. You don’t even owe them a response.”
I think there are times when a well-written, personalized request to pick someone’s brain at the very least deserves a templated response, if not an openness to helping them out.
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Thanks for such a practical, well-thought post on such a specific challenge in the workplace.
No is never a complete sentence. It's a way to leave other people questioning, wondering, and hurt. Your examples are brilliant to show what value additional context can bring.
This statement made mainstream on Oprah in 2009 when she interviewed Gavin de Becker about his book ‘the gift of fear’ which is centred on women’s safety. This sentence is in relation to interacting with people where you begin to feel unsafe and the importance of standing firm.
yes, "No" is a complete sentence, but is anyone really thinking that it is *always* the correct answer? nothing is absolute and you always have to consider the people involved, the situtation, past and present.
i understand it as "there are circumstances where No is the proper complete answer".
if someone asks for the fifth time the same thing and you already answered with the reasons why, then "No" is the only answer from now on.
When I was a commanding officer of Marines my instructions to my Marines and sailors in my reinforced aircraft squadron (deployed at sea) was that the word “no” was predominately in the domain of the Commanding Officer (me) and their domain was in the word, “yes”.
Obviously (and my men…and they were all men back then…understood the boundaries) it was understood by my subordinate leaders that certain “yes’s” were outside their authority but the culture we had was that it was the CO who could definitively say “no” but that my subordinate leaders could and should say yes as long as what they were saying yes to was legal, moral, the right thing for the right reasons, and within their own capabilities and that of their units to accomplish and accomplish well.
It sounds a little complex, but the main point was that positivity…”yes”…was our operative mantra and our operative word for the vast majority of asks.
A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I haven't even read yet and feel compelled to use all caps to signal my agreement. This meme-able "advice" is SO IMPRACTICAL AND DAMAGING. It's not how relationships are built. It's not how good communication works. JUST NO.
I would respectfully quibble with this:
“If a stranger is emailing you asking to pick your brain for free, you don’t owe them an explanation for saying no. You don’t even owe them a response.”
I think there are times when a well-written, personalized request to pick someone’s brain at the very least deserves a templated response, if not an openness to helping them out.
-
Thanks for such a practical, well-thought post on such a specific challenge in the workplace.
"dangerous" was a very polite way of saying "bad" 😂
No is never a complete sentence. It's a way to leave other people questioning, wondering, and hurt. Your examples are brilliant to show what value additional context can bring.
Thank you for sharing.
This statement made mainstream on Oprah in 2009 when she interviewed Gavin de Becker about his book ‘the gift of fear’ which is centred on women’s safety. This sentence is in relation to interacting with people where you begin to feel unsafe and the importance of standing firm.
One of the best books on this topic is "The Power of A Positive No": https://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-No-William-Ury/dp/0340923806
It resembles many of your thoughts, sometimes with a different emphasis.
yes, "No" is a complete sentence, but is anyone really thinking that it is *always* the correct answer? nothing is absolute and you always have to consider the people involved, the situtation, past and present.
i understand it as "there are circumstances where No is the proper complete answer".
if someone asks for the fifth time the same thing and you already answered with the reasons why, then "No" is the only answer from now on.
Hello Wes,
Thanks for your insights on “no”.
When I was a commanding officer of Marines my instructions to my Marines and sailors in my reinforced aircraft squadron (deployed at sea) was that the word “no” was predominately in the domain of the Commanding Officer (me) and their domain was in the word, “yes”.
Obviously (and my men…and they were all men back then…understood the boundaries) it was understood by my subordinate leaders that certain “yes’s” were outside their authority but the culture we had was that it was the CO who could definitively say “no” but that my subordinate leaders could and should say yes as long as what they were saying yes to was legal, moral, the right thing for the right reasons, and within their own capabilities and that of their units to accomplish and accomplish well.
It sounds a little complex, but the main point was that positivity…”yes”…was our operative mantra and our operative word for the vast majority of asks.
Kind regards,
Barry
A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I haven't even read yet and feel compelled to use all caps to signal my agreement. This meme-able "advice" is SO IMPRACTICAL AND DAMAGING. It's not how relationships are built. It's not how good communication works. JUST NO.