This landed in my inbox at the right time! I received some critical feedback that was delivered second hand to me and it took me a better part of a week to process it and to discern what I needed to incorporate. What you have outlined are some great responding questions, so I can lead with curiosity rather than be in my feelings when receiving feedback, because as you mention it is truly a gift to receive it.
Word. I love this. It's so important to think about the BIGGER goal of a conversation. Maintaining honest communication, building trust, reinforcing values. I've been most successful in these conversations when I focus more on the bigger reasons having this conversations MATTERS in the larger scheme of my goals or the organization's goals than on the actual content of the feedback.
A very subtle point to try to get across, thank you!
This is timeless advice Wes! I have always tried to first built an environment of trust , a safe place. Hopefully this then also encourages team members to feel free in sharing feedback back to me.
I find it also helps when you assume good intent in the feedback.
… there is a reason we were born with 2 ears but only one mouth :-)
Am I the only one who thinks that even honest and well-intentioned feedback isn't always a gift, or am I probably just being too defensive about it?
There are times when someone shares their opinion or feedback, but I don't agree with it. Even if I say "thanks, I'll take it into consideration," I might reflect on it, but it's also possible that the other person is simply wrong.
Now I'm not sure if that's the right way to handle those situations.
Another way to think about it: Did you love every gift you've ever received? Probably not. People are allowed to give you gifts, and you may want to acknowledge and show appreciation for their thoughtfulness. After that, you are allowed to do what you want with that gift.
See the section titled "Listen first, then decide whether to incorporate feedback later." Just because you listen to feedback, doesn’t mean you have to change whenever you hear feedback. You get to make an informed decision about what to do.
Re: how do you tell someone you don't plan on taking their feedback, IMO it depends on your dynamic.
Some feedback is a light suggestion, i.e. friendly advice you can take or leave. Other feedback is more of a mandate where if you don't adjust your ways, your job is at risk. So first, I would figure out what category the feedback is in.
Then, I would think about your BATNA. BATNA is a negotiation concept for best alternative to negotiated agreement. How much leverage do you have? Let's say you tell your manager, "This is really stupid feedback. You are stupid. Good bye." If you have a lot of leverage, they might beg you to stay on the team. If you have that amount of leverage, you can do or say what you want because if things don't work out, you don't mind anyway.
Think about how you tell people you don't plan on doing something period. Let's say your manager asks you to do X. You don't believe you should do it. How do you tell them that? You would probably mention solid rationale, try to sell them on the idea, etc. You can draw on the way you would normally tell someone something they might not want to hear.
The feedback itself: if it’s well-intentioned, from someone you trust, is always a gift. My 5yo loves to tell me I have a big tummy, and she means well by it (while my 8yo just calls me fat to get a rise out of me).
When we get feedback at work we simultaneously have to analyze the intentions of the giver as well as the merits of the feedback itself, and this can muddy the waters. If the feedback is stylistic or subjective, there’s another rabbit hole to go down. I once worked for a federal judge who, on our first day, told us “no Oxford commas, and use capitalization and double quotes “” inside of parentheses () for defined terms.” Ridiculous style, according to… MLA, Chicago, you name it. But it’s the boss’s orders!
If your giver means well, a “thank you” is never a bad response, even if you disagree. And if, even for half a second, you consider changing your ways, then even that self-reflection is good.
I’m now on a vacation with my wife and 10-months toddler - our first since his birth. We decided to take a nanny for few hours each day, so we could relax together.
Yesterday was her first day, and it didn’t go well. She was very loud, felt phony, and the kid clearly didn’t like her. My wife decided to cancel her for the rest of the vacation, and deliberated how to tell her that. In the end she lied, and said “it’s not you, it’s me, I decided I want more time with him, blah blah blah”.
2 things I take from it:
1. If she would have simply asked in the end if the first day “please, tell me honestly - is there anything you think I can do better?”, my wife would have probably told her.
2. Don’t ask the most obvious person. If she would have asked me during any moment, I would have been much more honest 😅 who knows how much business will she lose in similar ways.
It’s the same in your work place. After a bad meeting, I’ll probably not tell the person who held it what I feel (unless they are a direct report). But if the ASK, I’ll not shut up with my thoughts.
I always suggest to my engineers to try asking different people for feedback, and see who’s good at giving it, and enjoys extensive conversations about it.
This landed in my inbox at the right time! I received some critical feedback that was delivered second hand to me and it took me a better part of a week to process it and to discern what I needed to incorporate. What you have outlined are some great responding questions, so I can lead with curiosity rather than be in my feelings when receiving feedback, because as you mention it is truly a gift to receive it.
Word. I love this. It's so important to think about the BIGGER goal of a conversation. Maintaining honest communication, building trust, reinforcing values. I've been most successful in these conversations when I focus more on the bigger reasons having this conversations MATTERS in the larger scheme of my goals or the organization's goals than on the actual content of the feedback.
A very subtle point to try to get across, thank you!
This is timeless advice Wes! I have always tried to first built an environment of trust , a safe place. Hopefully this then also encourages team members to feel free in sharing feedback back to me.
I find it also helps when you assume good intent in the feedback.
… there is a reason we were born with 2 ears but only one mouth :-)
Am I the only one who thinks that even honest and well-intentioned feedback isn't always a gift, or am I probably just being too defensive about it?
There are times when someone shares their opinion or feedback, but I don't agree with it. Even if I say "thanks, I'll take it into consideration," I might reflect on it, but it's also possible that the other person is simply wrong.
Now I'm not sure if that's the right way to handle those situations.
Another way to think about it: Did you love every gift you've ever received? Probably not. People are allowed to give you gifts, and you may want to acknowledge and show appreciation for their thoughtfulness. After that, you are allowed to do what you want with that gift.
See the section titled "Listen first, then decide whether to incorporate feedback later." Just because you listen to feedback, doesn’t mean you have to change whenever you hear feedback. You get to make an informed decision about what to do.
Re: how do you tell someone you don't plan on taking their feedback, IMO it depends on your dynamic.
Some feedback is a light suggestion, i.e. friendly advice you can take or leave. Other feedback is more of a mandate where if you don't adjust your ways, your job is at risk. So first, I would figure out what category the feedback is in.
Then, I would think about your BATNA. BATNA is a negotiation concept for best alternative to negotiated agreement. How much leverage do you have? Let's say you tell your manager, "This is really stupid feedback. You are stupid. Good bye." If you have a lot of leverage, they might beg you to stay on the team. If you have that amount of leverage, you can do or say what you want because if things don't work out, you don't mind anyway.
Think about how you tell people you don't plan on doing something period. Let's say your manager asks you to do X. You don't believe you should do it. How do you tell them that? You would probably mention solid rationale, try to sell them on the idea, etc. You can draw on the way you would normally tell someone something they might not want to hear.
Wow, this is super useful. Thank you so much!
These questions and perspectives give me a lot to think about and offer ways to handle feedback that I don't consider to be very accurate.
I really appreciate this!
Glad to hear this Kevin!
There’s layers.
The feedback itself: if it’s well-intentioned, from someone you trust, is always a gift. My 5yo loves to tell me I have a big tummy, and she means well by it (while my 8yo just calls me fat to get a rise out of me).
When we get feedback at work we simultaneously have to analyze the intentions of the giver as well as the merits of the feedback itself, and this can muddy the waters. If the feedback is stylistic or subjective, there’s another rabbit hole to go down. I once worked for a federal judge who, on our first day, told us “no Oxford commas, and use capitalization and double quotes “” inside of parentheses () for defined terms.” Ridiculous style, according to… MLA, Chicago, you name it. But it’s the boss’s orders!
If your giver means well, a “thank you” is never a bad response, even if you disagree. And if, even for half a second, you consider changing your ways, then even that self-reflection is good.
I agree with that, it is a gift if it is from someone you trust.
Thank you for the response, very helpful as well!
Excellent points, thanks Erik.
You can get a huge edge if you just ASK for it.
I’m now on a vacation with my wife and 10-months toddler - our first since his birth. We decided to take a nanny for few hours each day, so we could relax together.
Yesterday was her first day, and it didn’t go well. She was very loud, felt phony, and the kid clearly didn’t like her. My wife decided to cancel her for the rest of the vacation, and deliberated how to tell her that. In the end she lied, and said “it’s not you, it’s me, I decided I want more time with him, blah blah blah”.
2 things I take from it:
1. If she would have simply asked in the end if the first day “please, tell me honestly - is there anything you think I can do better?”, my wife would have probably told her.
2. Don’t ask the most obvious person. If she would have asked me during any moment, I would have been much more honest 😅 who knows how much business will she lose in similar ways.
It’s the same in your work place. After a bad meeting, I’ll probably not tell the person who held it what I feel (unless they are a direct report). But if the ASK, I’ll not shut up with my thoughts.
I always suggest to my engineers to try asking different people for feedback, and see who’s good at giving it, and enjoys extensive conversations about it.