When I had just started programming, I met a senior developer who was building a social media application that didn't have a very attractive UI. So I reached out to him and offered to help. Being young, I thought I was better than him at everything, and I was very rude about it. But he took my feedback and insults very well, asked me what he could do better, and let me join his startup. When I got to see his code and how much he had done all on his own, I was in awe. He didn't deserve any of my "feedback".
He taught me how to be humble when receiving feedback, try to understand where someone is coming from, and what their intent is. Most importantly, I learnt that I don't know everything, and it's okay for others to show me how it's done, or where I went wrong.
Thanks for your newsletters, I thoroughly enjoy them.
Word. I love this. It's so important to think about the BIGGER goal of a conversation. Maintaining honest communication, building trust, reinforcing values. I've been most successful in these conversations when I focus more on the bigger reasons having this conversations MATTERS in the larger scheme of my goals or the organization's goals than on the actual content of the feedback.
A very subtle point to try to get across, thank you!
"you only need to be a little better at this skill to stand out."
I've heard this one ⬆️ before.
The first time was a high school teacher that in the middle of class went on a mini rant about how the bar was so low, and that we had the opportunity to stand out just by putting a little bit of effort, just a little bit, he said.
Second time, what I remember the most about the Expert Secrets book, paraphrasing here, is that to be an expert you don't have to know everything about a subject, just little more than most. Again, that little bit will help you stand out and maybe even look like an expert to others.
And today again, "you only need to be a little better at this skill to stand out", thanks Wes for the reminder and the excellent framework to learn how to receive feedback.
Oh and I can't let this one go by: "you now have the power to adjust your behavior"
My buddy Dan put it this way: "I prefer it if it's something I did because I can do something about it"
I see it as a great lesson on accountability, I wrote about this recently in my newsletter, but this post also made me think of it as a great way to be open to feedback.
Good advice Wes. It is so hard to hear feedback, especially when you aren’t necessarily open to it. In addition to your thoughts on taking a breath and keeping your body language open, I’d suggest that it is sometimes a good idea to explain how you’re feeling.
Saying “well I have to admit, that’s pretty tough to hear, but I really want to understand” can be a helpful transition. Women especially sometimes cry at the worst time. Just let them know it is tough for you, but you are open still.
I’m now on a vacation with my wife and 10-months toddler - our first since his birth. We decided to take a nanny for few hours each day, so we could relax together.
Yesterday was her first day, and it didn’t go well. She was very loud, felt phony, and the kid clearly didn’t like her. My wife decided to cancel her for the rest of the vacation, and deliberated how to tell her that. In the end she lied, and said “it’s not you, it’s me, I decided I want more time with him, blah blah blah”.
2 things I take from it:
1. If she would have simply asked in the end if the first day “please, tell me honestly - is there anything you think I can do better?”, my wife would have probably told her.
2. Don’t ask the most obvious person. If she would have asked me during any moment, I would have been much more honest 😅 who knows how much business will she lose in similar ways.
It’s the same in your work place. After a bad meeting, I’ll probably not tell the person who held it what I feel (unless they are a direct report). But if the ASK, I’ll not shut up with my thoughts.
I always suggest to my engineers to try asking different people for feedback, and see who’s good at giving it, and enjoys extensive conversations about it.
This landed in my inbox at the right time! I received some critical feedback that was delivered second hand to me and it took me a better part of a week to process it and to discern what I needed to incorporate. What you have outlined are some great responding questions, so I can lead with curiosity rather than be in my feelings when receiving feedback, because as you mention it is truly a gift to receive it.
This is timeless advice Wes! I have always tried to first built an environment of trust , a safe place. Hopefully this then also encourages team members to feel free in sharing feedback back to me.
I find it also helps when you assume good intent in the feedback.
… there is a reason we were born with 2 ears but only one mouth :-)
I'm pretty aware that i am quite bad to control my facial expressions (you can read me like in a book), it is often an advantage because it is considered as "authenticity". So instead of controlling my facial expressions, i just say aloud what is in my heart (i'm right now super surprised) : it allows to lessen the emotions and keep going on a good basis (but i 'm also super interested about your feedback). It could be another option
Am I the only one who thinks that even honest and well-intentioned feedback isn't always a gift, or am I probably just being too defensive about it?
There are times when someone shares their opinion or feedback, but I don't agree with it. Even if I say "thanks, I'll take it into consideration," I might reflect on it, but it's also possible that the other person is simply wrong.
Now I'm not sure if that's the right way to handle those situations.
Another way to think about it: Did you love every gift you've ever received? Probably not. People are allowed to give you gifts, and you may want to acknowledge and show appreciation for their thoughtfulness. After that, you are allowed to do what you want with that gift.
See the section titled "Listen first, then decide whether to incorporate feedback later." Just because you listen to feedback, doesn’t mean you have to change whenever you hear feedback. You get to make an informed decision about what to do.
Re: how do you tell someone you don't plan on taking their feedback, IMO it depends on your dynamic.
Some feedback is a light suggestion, i.e. friendly advice you can take or leave. Other feedback is more of a mandate where if you don't adjust your ways, your job is at risk. So first, I would figure out what category the feedback is in.
Then, I would think about your BATNA. BATNA is a negotiation concept for best alternative to negotiated agreement. How much leverage do you have? Let's say you tell your manager, "This is really stupid feedback. You are stupid. Good bye." If you have a lot of leverage, they might beg you to stay on the team. If you have that amount of leverage, you can do or say what you want because if things don't work out, you don't mind anyway.
Think about how you tell people you don't plan on doing something period. Let's say your manager asks you to do X. You don't believe you should do it. How do you tell them that? You would probably mention solid rationale, try to sell them on the idea, etc. You can draw on the way you would normally tell someone something they might not want to hear.
The feedback itself: if it’s well-intentioned, from someone you trust, is always a gift. My 5yo loves to tell me I have a big tummy, and she means well by it (while my 8yo just calls me fat to get a rise out of me).
When we get feedback at work we simultaneously have to analyze the intentions of the giver as well as the merits of the feedback itself, and this can muddy the waters. If the feedback is stylistic or subjective, there’s another rabbit hole to go down. I once worked for a federal judge who, on our first day, told us “no Oxford commas, and use capitalization and double quotes “” inside of parentheses () for defined terms.” Ridiculous style, according to… MLA, Chicago, you name it. But it’s the boss’s orders!
If your giver means well, a “thank you” is never a bad response, even if you disagree. And if, even for half a second, you consider changing your ways, then even that self-reflection is good.
When I had just started programming, I met a senior developer who was building a social media application that didn't have a very attractive UI. So I reached out to him and offered to help. Being young, I thought I was better than him at everything, and I was very rude about it. But he took my feedback and insults very well, asked me what he could do better, and let me join his startup. When I got to see his code and how much he had done all on his own, I was in awe. He didn't deserve any of my "feedback".
He taught me how to be humble when receiving feedback, try to understand where someone is coming from, and what their intent is. Most importantly, I learnt that I don't know everything, and it's okay for others to show me how it's done, or where I went wrong.
Thanks for your newsletters, I thoroughly enjoy them.
This is such a powerful story Chembe. Thank you for sharing 🙏
Word. I love this. It's so important to think about the BIGGER goal of a conversation. Maintaining honest communication, building trust, reinforcing values. I've been most successful in these conversations when I focus more on the bigger reasons having this conversations MATTERS in the larger scheme of my goals or the organization's goals than on the actual content of the feedback.
A very subtle point to try to get across, thank you!
"you only need to be a little better at this skill to stand out."
I've heard this one ⬆️ before.
The first time was a high school teacher that in the middle of class went on a mini rant about how the bar was so low, and that we had the opportunity to stand out just by putting a little bit of effort, just a little bit, he said.
Second time, what I remember the most about the Expert Secrets book, paraphrasing here, is that to be an expert you don't have to know everything about a subject, just little more than most. Again, that little bit will help you stand out and maybe even look like an expert to others.
And today again, "you only need to be a little better at this skill to stand out", thanks Wes for the reminder and the excellent framework to learn how to receive feedback.
Oh and I can't let this one go by: "you now have the power to adjust your behavior"
My buddy Dan put it this way: "I prefer it if it's something I did because I can do something about it"
I see it as a great lesson on accountability, I wrote about this recently in my newsletter, but this post also made me think of it as a great way to be open to feedback.
Thanks Wes.
All golden nuggets here, Wes! It's true that when you're open to receiving feedback, you'll start to implement change.
It's not easy, but constantly asking for feedback is crucial. Especially if it's someone who wants to see you grow as a person.
I had many leaders in my military career give me constructive and personal feedback. I appreciated all of it.
Thanks again, Wes!
Good advice Wes. It is so hard to hear feedback, especially when you aren’t necessarily open to it. In addition to your thoughts on taking a breath and keeping your body language open, I’d suggest that it is sometimes a good idea to explain how you’re feeling.
Saying “well I have to admit, that’s pretty tough to hear, but I really want to understand” can be a helpful transition. Women especially sometimes cry at the worst time. Just let them know it is tough for you, but you are open still.
Thanks for resharing this evergreen article!
You can get a huge edge if you just ASK for it.
I’m now on a vacation with my wife and 10-months toddler - our first since his birth. We decided to take a nanny for few hours each day, so we could relax together.
Yesterday was her first day, and it didn’t go well. She was very loud, felt phony, and the kid clearly didn’t like her. My wife decided to cancel her for the rest of the vacation, and deliberated how to tell her that. In the end she lied, and said “it’s not you, it’s me, I decided I want more time with him, blah blah blah”.
2 things I take from it:
1. If she would have simply asked in the end if the first day “please, tell me honestly - is there anything you think I can do better?”, my wife would have probably told her.
2. Don’t ask the most obvious person. If she would have asked me during any moment, I would have been much more honest 😅 who knows how much business will she lose in similar ways.
It’s the same in your work place. After a bad meeting, I’ll probably not tell the person who held it what I feel (unless they are a direct report). But if the ASK, I’ll not shut up with my thoughts.
I always suggest to my engineers to try asking different people for feedback, and see who’s good at giving it, and enjoys extensive conversations about it.
This landed in my inbox at the right time! I received some critical feedback that was delivered second hand to me and it took me a better part of a week to process it and to discern what I needed to incorporate. What you have outlined are some great responding questions, so I can lead with curiosity rather than be in my feelings when receiving feedback, because as you mention it is truly a gift to receive it.
This is timeless advice Wes! I have always tried to first built an environment of trust , a safe place. Hopefully this then also encourages team members to feel free in sharing feedback back to me.
I find it also helps when you assume good intent in the feedback.
… there is a reason we were born with 2 ears but only one mouth :-)
There's a reason why getting critical feedback can feel like a punch in the gut: Our brain processes "social pain" the same way it does physical pain.
So sometimes I'll start by acknowledging that: "Ouch. Give me a few seconds to take that in."
It's a way to give the feedback-giver a heads-up to proceed gently and gives you space to be more receptive.
I'm pretty aware that i am quite bad to control my facial expressions (you can read me like in a book), it is often an advantage because it is considered as "authenticity". So instead of controlling my facial expressions, i just say aloud what is in my heart (i'm right now super surprised) : it allows to lessen the emotions and keep going on a good basis (but i 'm also super interested about your feedback). It could be another option
Am I the only one who thinks that even honest and well-intentioned feedback isn't always a gift, or am I probably just being too defensive about it?
There are times when someone shares their opinion or feedback, but I don't agree with it. Even if I say "thanks, I'll take it into consideration," I might reflect on it, but it's also possible that the other person is simply wrong.
Now I'm not sure if that's the right way to handle those situations.
Another way to think about it: Did you love every gift you've ever received? Probably not. People are allowed to give you gifts, and you may want to acknowledge and show appreciation for their thoughtfulness. After that, you are allowed to do what you want with that gift.
See the section titled "Listen first, then decide whether to incorporate feedback later." Just because you listen to feedback, doesn’t mean you have to change whenever you hear feedback. You get to make an informed decision about what to do.
Re: how do you tell someone you don't plan on taking their feedback, IMO it depends on your dynamic.
Some feedback is a light suggestion, i.e. friendly advice you can take or leave. Other feedback is more of a mandate where if you don't adjust your ways, your job is at risk. So first, I would figure out what category the feedback is in.
Then, I would think about your BATNA. BATNA is a negotiation concept for best alternative to negotiated agreement. How much leverage do you have? Let's say you tell your manager, "This is really stupid feedback. You are stupid. Good bye." If you have a lot of leverage, they might beg you to stay on the team. If you have that amount of leverage, you can do or say what you want because if things don't work out, you don't mind anyway.
Think about how you tell people you don't plan on doing something period. Let's say your manager asks you to do X. You don't believe you should do it. How do you tell them that? You would probably mention solid rationale, try to sell them on the idea, etc. You can draw on the way you would normally tell someone something they might not want to hear.
Wow, this is super useful. Thank you so much!
These questions and perspectives give me a lot to think about and offer ways to handle feedback that I don't consider to be very accurate.
I really appreciate this!
Glad to hear this Kevin!
There’s layers.
The feedback itself: if it’s well-intentioned, from someone you trust, is always a gift. My 5yo loves to tell me I have a big tummy, and she means well by it (while my 8yo just calls me fat to get a rise out of me).
When we get feedback at work we simultaneously have to analyze the intentions of the giver as well as the merits of the feedback itself, and this can muddy the waters. If the feedback is stylistic or subjective, there’s another rabbit hole to go down. I once worked for a federal judge who, on our first day, told us “no Oxford commas, and use capitalization and double quotes “” inside of parentheses () for defined terms.” Ridiculous style, according to… MLA, Chicago, you name it. But it’s the boss’s orders!
If your giver means well, a “thank you” is never a bad response, even if you disagree. And if, even for half a second, you consider changing your ways, then even that self-reflection is good.
I agree with that, it is a gift if it is from someone you trust.
Thank you for the response, very helpful as well!
Excellent points, thanks Erik.
Fair point.
I found sometimes where I had to cancel a 1-1 because my mind was not in the right shape to give or receive feedback