Great post as always, Wes! What do you think about something along the lines of "I understand this isn't ideal"? This is not apologizing, but it acknowledges the elephant in the room & conveys empathy.
Yes I like “I understand this isn’t ideal.” We shouldn’t be stone cold when we share news we know the other person doesn’t want to hear!
It also depends on what the news is. In the example of contractors potentially being upset about fewer hours, I might leave out “I understand this isn’t ideal.” Most contractors are aware of variable hours and would be mature about it. So I don’t want to give fuel to folks who act entitled and upset, especially if I communicated expectations in the past or along the way.
But if I’m sharing news that I believe is rightfully upsetting, I’ll be gentler and may share that I know this isn’t ideal, etc.
Great post, Wes. As someone I tend to over apologize, this makes sense to me.
I also recently learn how to rephrase our expressions to prevent this issue. For instance, instead of saying "Apologies for my late reply" we could say "Thank you for your patience."
Reading this, I was reminded of my early days in HR when I had to deliver news about job losses. We were really aware that the person receiving that news DID NOT want to hear us going on about how sorry WE were! The mental framework you describe for delivering bad news is exactly right: people want to know what this means for them, not how you feel about it.
I have seen (and done) this, and I couldn't agree more.
Two things have helped me:
1. We often apologize because 𝘸𝘦 feel uncomfortable. If we realize this and focus on 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮, then a direct, honest, and straight forward delivery is clearly better.
2. Do a 1:1+1 exercise. Find two trusted peers. Ask one to role play the recipient, and the other to observe and share feedback. Practice delivering the message and ask how it lands.
I have referred to this in past as the “People Pleaser CEO” tendency, which can create harmful patterns. In my experience, one way to avoid this is to focus on what I call 'decision integrity.' This means showing stakeholders that your decisions are fair, thoughtful, and aligned with the organization’s principles. Instead of apologizing unnecessarily, provide a clear rationale for the decision and frame it as part of the business's collective good.
I struggle with this myself! The techniques you describe are very helpful. One thing that I've found works for me is replacing apology with genuine empathy. Emphatizing doesn't mean "I agree with you" but rather "I see how you may feel about this and it's ok for you to feel that way" kind of energy. This doesn't change my position, but makes the whole interaction less cold
Thanks for sharing! This is exactly what I learned. I always assumed that switching to the apologetic tone is easier to tell the bad news, but it contributed to a blame culture. People have an excuse to blame their manager or someone for anything bad happened.
Great post as always, Wes! What do you think about something along the lines of "I understand this isn't ideal"? This is not apologizing, but it acknowledges the elephant in the room & conveys empathy.
Yes I like “I understand this isn’t ideal.” We shouldn’t be stone cold when we share news we know the other person doesn’t want to hear!
It also depends on what the news is. In the example of contractors potentially being upset about fewer hours, I might leave out “I understand this isn’t ideal.” Most contractors are aware of variable hours and would be mature about it. So I don’t want to give fuel to folks who act entitled and upset, especially if I communicated expectations in the past or along the way.
But if I’m sharing news that I believe is rightfully upsetting, I’ll be gentler and may share that I know this isn’t ideal, etc.
Makes perfect sense. Thanks!
Great post, Wes. As someone I tend to over apologize, this makes sense to me.
I also recently learn how to rephrase our expressions to prevent this issue. For instance, instead of saying "Apologies for my late reply" we could say "Thank you for your patience."
Reading this, I was reminded of my early days in HR when I had to deliver news about job losses. We were really aware that the person receiving that news DID NOT want to hear us going on about how sorry WE were! The mental framework you describe for delivering bad news is exactly right: people want to know what this means for them, not how you feel about it.
Well put.
I love these posts on nuanced topics. Thanks for sharing!
I have seen (and done) this, and I couldn't agree more.
Two things have helped me:
1. We often apologize because 𝘸𝘦 feel uncomfortable. If we realize this and focus on 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮, then a direct, honest, and straight forward delivery is clearly better.
2. Do a 1:1+1 exercise. Find two trusted peers. Ask one to role play the recipient, and the other to observe and share feedback. Practice delivering the message and ask how it lands.
LOL at "per-my-last-email energy"
I have referred to this in past as the “People Pleaser CEO” tendency, which can create harmful patterns. In my experience, one way to avoid this is to focus on what I call 'decision integrity.' This means showing stakeholders that your decisions are fair, thoughtful, and aligned with the organization’s principles. Instead of apologizing unnecessarily, provide a clear rationale for the decision and frame it as part of the business's collective good.
Great post! I think this will help realize the downside to apologize in nuanced way.
Thanks Wes! This is something I am working on. Great reminder on the short-term and long-term gains.
Very relevant and nice post.
This is so helpful Wes! Simple advice but game changing!
I struggle with this myself! The techniques you describe are very helpful. One thing that I've found works for me is replacing apology with genuine empathy. Emphatizing doesn't mean "I agree with you" but rather "I see how you may feel about this and it's ok for you to feel that way" kind of energy. This doesn't change my position, but makes the whole interaction less cold
Spot on. I often apologies as a politeness sign. I live for 10 year with a Japanese citizen, it just reinforces it as they apologize a lot ! :)
Thanks for sharing! This is exactly what I learned. I always assumed that switching to the apologetic tone is easier to tell the bad news, but it contributed to a blame culture. People have an excuse to blame their manager or someone for anything bad happened.