10 Comments

I love how I always have things to add to my notes from your articles, Wes.

Great article as usual and it looks like you and I were somewhat of the same friend of mind this past week.

The one I did on Sunday was on framing and thinking about the other persons perspective and how to frame it in those terms too.

I particularly loved these questions you wrote:

> - How does this make them even more effective?

- How will this allow them to work even better with the people around them?

- How does this get them closer to their goals?

- How is this a skill they can apply now and in all future roles?

Thinking about these helps you make sure your frame is thought about from their perspective

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Wes Kao

This resonates: The only way to give a constructive feedback is to identify what motivates others to change.

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My biggest takeaway was the importance of avoiding words and statements that trigger defensiveness. I can apply that directly to marital situations.

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This is so good. Thanks Wes! So much to chew on here. Very helpful.

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I like your strategy not self-expression guidance when it comes to feedback. I retired from the Army after 33 years, achieving the rank of major general, and went to work for Target corporation, which was a feedback-intensive culture. I benefited greatly from feedback on how many of my Army behaviors weren't quite working in Target's culture, and I used that feedback to modify my leadership behavior to be more effective. What I found useful both in receiving and giving feedback, which takes vulnerability on both the giver and the recipient, is the Specific, Behavior, Impact model as well. What was the specific situation? (example--right after our morning meeting). What was the behavior? (example--when I was talking with you clarifying my comments you were absorbed in your phone). Impact (example--I felt you weren't respectful of what I had to say). Simple example but this SBI format is useful on top of your strategy/self-expression caution. Please check out my new book about leadership and vulnerability titled Large and In Charge No More--A Journey to Vulnerable Leadership. Anyway, great post.

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Nov 16, 2023Liked by Wes Kao

This was an interesting article, thank you. The advice to separate self expression from strategy is important - work through your need for self expression before having the conversation. That is a helpful framework for all relationships!

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Interesting, it goes against what I'm used to do 😅

Especially this part:

"A reminder: Anything that is about having the last word, sharing how they made you feel, getting them to admit wrongdoing… All of that goes in the self-expression bucket."

About sharing how the other person made me feel - in your opinion, isn't it part of the strategy? I saw this great video about it: https://hbr.org/webinar/2022/11/why-feedback-doesnt-work-and-what-to-do-instead.

It mentions that the only thing we can be 100% right about, is our own feelings. So when I ephasize what I felt, instead of critizing, it has a higher chance of penetrating and actually changing the behaviour.

In my experience, it indeed works better, as a strategy :)

Great article, thanks!

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The trim. Boy is that a "STRUGGLE."

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I can relate to the self expression conversation, it was a nightmare. I am inspired to bring strategy to my conversations from now on.

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Nov 24, 2023·edited Nov 24, 2023

Amazing article. Your explanation of this principle hit me at so many levels. For years, I've followed the principle of "Feedback is for others and not for self". I always struggled to articulate it and share why I'm doing it, especially with my spouse.

I've sent the summary & link of this post to three different people since last week.

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