"Insecure vibes" are a self-fulfilling prophecy

When you feel nervous, you might give off subconscious signals that make people more suspicious. Get rid of insecure vibes—and your writing, meetings, and pitches will become stronger.

Image: Midjourney

👋 Hey, it’s Wes. Welcome to my weekly newsletter on managing up, driving growth, and standing out as a high-performer.

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I originally published a version of this essay in August 2020. Enjoy.

Read time: 3 minutes

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Insecure vibes are subconscious clues and signals that you might be giving off when you're feeling anxious, nervous, or uncertain.

We emit insecure vibes when we really want something to work out, but aren’t sure if it will. Insecure vibes are usually subconscious, which is why it’s important to be mindful. You don’t want your worries to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you appear hesitant, doubtful, or desperate…

The other person picks up on it.

You get more nervous.

They start doubting you.

Which makes you more nervous.

If you acted normal to start with, they would have assumed everything was great. Get rid of insecure vibes—and your writing, meetings, presentations, negotiations, and pitches will become stronger.

What insecure vibes look like

Insecure vibes look like overcompensating. When we’re feeling self-conscious, we often express it in subtle ways we’re not even aware of.

A long diatribe, when a short and warm response would have sufficed. We get defensive when we feel threatened. The other person touched on a sore spot, so we react. The next time you’re about to prove why you’re right and try to teach someone a lesson, ask yourself: Should you write a short note and give the benefit of the doubt? This will save you effort and can come across as more confident.

Assuming the person will say no before you even start. When you assume the other person will say no, you load up on caveats and explanations instead of focusing on persuading your recipient. You talk fast because you want to get everything out. You enter the conversation already playing defense. You don’t give the person a chance to say yes because you’ve already said no to yourself.

Insisting on email or Slack when you know a phone call is better. Deep down, you know when you should just hop on a call. But you’re nervous about messing up in a live setting, and you’d rather avoid confrontation. So you spend hours drafting the “perfect” email. Hey, I get it—it takes time to craft a note that’s assertive yet defensible, and just the right amount of passive aggressive. Looking back, I wish I saved myself the effort all those times I did that. If the issue is nuanced and interpersonal, trying to explain your point in writing is playing on hard mode. Hop on a call, or do a voice memo where they can hear the warmth in your voice.

Over-explaining because you expect the other person to be skeptical. You bring up counterpoints to arguments no one has mentioned. When you over-explain, you’re more likely to incept negative ideas and introduce objections the person might not have thought of if you hadn’t brought them up. (There are times when you do want to proactively bring up counterpoints, but you should do so intentionally.)

Accidental insecure vibes: Don’t look doubtful if you actually feel confident

It’s a shame if you feel confident but the way you’re acting is accidentally making people think otherwise.

This is about optics. If you feel confident and are competent at what you do, you want your outsides to match your insides. This is where knowing your own tells is helpful. Tells are subconscious clues in poker that give away if you’re feeling confident or not.

Don’t preface your idea with too many caveats. Speak in complete sentences. Remove “ands” and “buts” that create never-ending sentences, which can sound less authoritative. Notice if you start to ramble. Try to prepare the first few lines of what you want to say to kick off a meeting, so you start strong. If you’re asking for a raise, practice your actual script so you get comfortable saying those words.

Notice when you emit insecure vibes

Insecure vibes aren’t all or nothing.

You won’t give off insecure vibes all the time—it’s usually situational. The best thing you can do is get better at identifying when you might be doing it.

Better yet: Give your friends permission to point out when you are emitting insecure vibes. This is best done with people you trust and talk to regularly for feedback. This could be your spouse, best friend, or coworker.

When you say, “Do you mind taking a look at this before I hit send?” Give them the vocabulary to say, “Hmm I think there might be some insecure vibes going on here...”

Thank them for their honesty, then get rid of those insecure vibes to make your message stronger.

How to get rid of insecure vibes

Before you hit send, ask yourself:

1. Could this be interpreted as sounding defensive?

2. Am I overcompensating or overexplaining?

3. How would I respond on my best day?

4. Would I say this if I felt secure?

Scarcity can make us feel and act desperate. Think about you on your best day, feeling on top of your game. React the way that person would react.

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Thanks for being here, and I’ll see you next Wednesday at 8am ET.

Wes

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