EQ is not just about what you say. It’s your body language too.
Understand your "tells," send the right signals, and other ways to reinforce your message.
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I originally published a version of this essay in March 2020. Enjoy.
Read time: 4 minutes
Some people have a great poker face.
You and I probably aren’t one of them.
The other day, I was having a tough conversation with someone who probably thought they had a poker face. The conversation went something like this:
Their words: “Yes, I totally understand. Please continue.”
Their face: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS BS. I HATE YOU, WES.”
Every day, we have dozens of conversations. Each one is an opportunity to build trust with the people you work with.
Your message isn’t just the content of what you say. When your facial expressions and body language don’t match your message, you diminish your ability to convey your point. The impact is you might come across as insincere.
When you’re mindful of your body language, you help set the emotional tone, which leads to more productive conversations.
1. Understand your “tells.”
In poker, a tell is a change in someone’s behavior when people are nervous or confident. Often it’s unconscious, meaning the person doesn’t know they’re giving themselves away.
Here’s a starter list of potential tells:
Eyes widening and not blinking
Nostrils doing a slight flare
Pressing your lips together into a line
Stretching your mouth downward every so slightly
Raising eyebrows
For example, you might clench your jaw in stressful conversations. Watch for the physical changes in your body when you’re nervous or stressed. Noticing is half the battle. Once you notice, you can learn to shift your body language.
2. Send the right signals.
If you’re giving hard news and want to show you’re empathetic... It doesn’t help to scowl and sit back with your arms crossed.
Soften your tone. Speak slower. Match your face to your message. Think about your most loving friend. How does their face look when you’re baring your soul? Channel that person.
On the other hand, if you want to appear authoritative, you can give fewer facial expressions altogether. Facial expressions are a clue. If you’re the most powerful person in the room, you don’t have to give other people clues. The idea is you’re sitting back waiting for them to please you. Think about the most senior person in a room when others are pitching them. Channel how their face looks.
Important note: When I say to “channel someone,” I don’t mean to mimic entirely. You should take inspiration, but be mindful not to overstep. You might accidentally insult someone more senior than you, so don’t overplay your hand. More on power dynamics here.
If you want to show you’re listening, try raising your eyebrows a little to make your face more “open” and leaning forward. Or furrow your brows a bit and nod as you listen. Think about the last time you probably talked longer than you should have, because your audience looked interested. Channel how that person looks.
3. Create psychological safety and encourage people to tell the truth.
If you look horrified as your colleague is sharing feedback with you, of course they’ll clam up or backtrack. They’re probably thinking, “Oh god, I shouldn’t have mentioned this.”
Your facial expressions and body language might prevent the person from finishing what they were saying. Or it might reveal that you’re skeptical, judgmental, or annoyed, which shifts the direction of the conversation.
When you’re mindful of your facial expressions and body language, you can prevent your brain from jumping to extremes. Your body stays calm, so your brain thinks, “Hmm, things are okay. We can figure this out.”
You’ll set a positive emotional tone for the conversation. This means the other person is more likely to be honest because they feel safe to speak freely.
4. Keep your head straight (literally).
Keeping your head straight makes you look more serious and authoritative. This should be your default head position. Try this exercise this week: Notice your head and whether you’re holding it straight.
When I first did this, I was surprised at how my head would default tilt to the side. I see this more in women because we’re trained to make others feel comfortable. If you want to appear more powerful, keep your head straight.
If you want to show that you’re non-threatening, tilt your head a bit. Cocking your head ever so slightly to the side, and leaning a bit forward, shows interest in the other person. It shows you are interested in listening.
5. Slow your breathing.
This automatically calms you down. Whether you believe in meditation or not, the simple act of slowing your breathing physically reminds you to calm down.
When you stay calm, you create space for a productive conversation. You create space for people to express themselves. You can be more persuasive when you align your content (words) with your body language and facial expressions.
In short, you can better translate your intent, so the other person feels it.
To recap:
Understand your “tells.”
Send the right signals.
Create psychological safety and encourage people to tell the truth.
Keep your head straight (literally).
Slow your breathing.
The next time you’re in a high-stakes situation, be mindful of your facial expressions and body language. Do they match your message and intentions?
Thanks for being here, and I’ll see you in two weeks on Wednesday at 8am ET.
Wes
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