Speak in the affirmative: "Do this" versus "Don't do that"
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I originally published a version of this essay in September 2015, and have since expanded it. Enjoy.
Read time: 4 minutes
It’s to your benefit to be as clear as possible when you speak or write, because clear communication helps you get what you need.
One way to do this is to speak in the affirmative, rather than the negative.
If you speak in negatives, your recipient has to take an extra mental step.
To understand “Don’t do that”.... you have to think about “that,” then reverse it to do the opposite.
A better way is to say, “Do this.”
If you can save your recipient a mental step, you’re doing a kind thing. Most people have too much they need to mentally process, so avoid adding more friction than you have to. Reducing cognitive load applies in UX design, marketing call-to-actions, or requests to your coworkers.
Speak in affirmatives when giving feedback
A diving coach might say, “Don’t flex your feet,” which can be confusing when you’re mid-air doing a reverse double-somersault tuck into the water.
If they phrased in the affirmative, they would say, “Point your toes.”
Saying don’t can sound reprimanding with a finger-wagging undertone. This makes you seem unnecessarily negative, even if you're justified in what you’re saying.
This is a practical issue. If the person you’re giving feedback to starts to get defensive, they’ll stop hearing what you’re trying to say.
Yes, the person receiving feedback should stay open-minded and remember to listen. But as the person giving feedback, it’s also your responsibility to think about how you’re sharing the information. This is a much larger topic, but stating things in the affirmative is a simple way to improve both the clarity of what you’re saying and the emotional tone.
Let’s say you’re giving a junior team member feedback on how to present to your CEO.
🚫 “For a 30 minute call, don’t spend 25 minutes on backstory. Don’t delay getting to the meat of what you want to discuss.”
✅ “For a 30 minute call, spend 2-3 minutes on backstory. Then focus on the meat of what you want to discuss.”
In the “before” example, the focus is on spending the majority of time on backstory, which is not what you want your recipient to think about. The focus is also on what they’re doing wrong.
You want your team member to visualize themselves doing things right. We’re applying the power of visualization to workplace scenarios. Encourage people to imagine going in the direction you want them to go in.
Remember: what you give airtime to will expand in your recipient’s mind.
Fill the void
There may be times when you have to address the negatives. Don’t do mental gymnastics to avoid saying the negative thing.
Instead, say what you don’t want the person to do, then say what you want them to do.
🚫 “Don’t disappear for three weeks then show the final product.”
✅ “Don’t disappear for three weeks then show the final product. Share what you have in a few days, so we can make sure we’re aligned.”
If you only say what not to do, you end up leaving a void. A void begs to be filled, and your recipient might fill it with an idea you disagree with. Always fill the void with what you want your recipient to think.
You’ll sound confident, instead of apologetic
Speaking in the affirmative applies to stating what you’re able to do.
Let's deconstruct these two statements:
🚫 “I can only meet between 11-3pm.”
✅ “I can meet between 11-3pm.”
When you say “I can only...” it sounds like you THINK you should be more available. Or that your counterpart has a right to want you to be more available.
This puts you in an unnecessarily weak position. If you can meet between 11-2pm, own it. If the person pushes back, you can explain further, but there’s no need to start off with insecure vibes.
Try this today
Notice the next time you start phrasing an idea using a negating sentence structure of “Don’t do X” or “I can’t do X.” Spend an extra few seconds to see if you can flip it around to say the same thing in the affirmative.
Thanks for being here, and I’ll see you in two weeks on Wednesday at 8am ET.
Wes
PS For further reading, check out how to avoid incepting negative ideas.
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As a writer, editor, and writing teacher, I think about this distinction between don't and do a lot. In writing classrooms, how do you get students to give feedback to one another when they don't necessarily know how to fix something that isn't working? Every reader has valid responses to drafts but not every reader has the vocabulary to say why they are bumping on something. Most of are experts in reading but novices in articulating what would be better. In the writing classroom, I'll highlight this tension: It's not your peers' job to tell you how to fix it. It's just their job to say that they're bumping, and it's your job to hear that without getting defensive. It's my job as the teacher to articulate the affirmative action. But in other scenarios -- say a manager directing work on a new project -- the challenge is that it takes a lot of expertise to even know what someone should do vs. what they should not do, and then it takes a lot of reflection to know how to put that into words for someone else. Few people have had the time to develop those mental models and vocabulary in their domain. They may know how to do X themselves, so they know when other attempts are not quite right. But they may not know how they know how to do X themselves.